Five reasons why I won’t be watching the Royal Wedding today.

Many people probably assume, on account that they believe me to be a staunch royalist, that I will absolutely be watching the Royal Wedding.

Well, I won’t be.

It is true, I am a loyal supporter of our sovereign but since there has only been one reigning monarch during my lifetime then I am not sure if that makes me a ‘royalist’ or just a huge fan of HRH Queen Elizabeth II. After she is gone, I’m not entirely sure how I will feel about the rest of the Royal family.

So am I royalist, a loyalist, a monarchist?

I don’t genuinely know.
I have full admiration and respect for our Queen. I believe she is an incredibly hard working lady. Not in the sense of manual labour, naturally, but she has certainly served her country impeccably and continues to do so some thirty years after most normal British citizens would expect to be retired and to be taking their well-deserved rest.
She is a remarkable lady indeed.

But for me personally, this royal wedding holds absolutely no interest and I’ll happily tell you why.

1. Whilst many people are embracing this modern step forward for the British monarchy, I don’t necessarily agree that the foundations of such an important establishment should be rocked. I have always rather admired the stuffiness, the untouchableness of it all. The total unwillingness to bend. The unyielding attitude to the nonsense of needing to remain ‘relevant’ in the eyes of all.

2. Without wishing to become somewhat political, I seem to remember a rather eminent royal marrying an American divorcée before and it didn’t really work out all that well. I know this because I have exhaustively researched the situation of Wallis Simpson and the Duke of Windsor (formerly King Edward VIII of England) and when I say exhaustively researched, by that I mean I have watched both full seasons of ‘The Crown’ on Netflix. I am a veritable expert.

3. I have thus far managed to avoid all of the hype in the build-up to this event and therefore don’t genuinely feel in the least bit ‘involved’. This is due in most part to the fact that I live in rural France, I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to the radio and I don’t read newspapers. In fact, World War 3 could potentially break out and it would undoubtedly take me several days to become aware of such a fact.

4. It’s not that I ‘detest’ the idea of watching it. Each to their own, of course, I’m sure it will provide a very pleasant distraction to several billion people.  It’s just that I have a serious case of complete and utter ambivalence towards the whole thing, I truly ‘can’t be arsed’. The Royal wedding of the sixth in line to the throne to that of an American TV actress (whom I’d never even heard of before last year) just doesn’t sound very special. For me, it’s on the same plateau as ‘The Kardashians’. It’s really not even slightly in the same league as the future King of England marrying a young, beautiful English rose of impeccable lineage. I’m referring of course to HRH Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer (though admittedly, even with that fairytale start, life is still not guaranteed to be rosy).

5. And finally, I can’t bear the thought of seeing Sir Paul McCartney trotting out yet another terribly mediocre performance. It’s just embarrassing. To be fair I don’t know if he is due to have any involvement on account that I know absolutely jackshit about this wedding but if there is even the minutest chance that he will be allowed within ten feet of a microphone then I don’t want to be watching. Cringe!

These are my reasons and my reasons alone.

Feel free to have several of your own.

And if you happen to be planning on fully subscribing to the royal wedding and settling down to watch it, then I completely and utterly wish to you the fullest enjoyment. It is absolutely not my intention to spoil it for others.

Just be ready to hit the MUTE button on your TV remote if this shuffles into view…..